Statement Regarding the Recent Human Soul Experiments

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I have to say I was sworn to secrecy of course, my boss insisted on that. So that makes it, to say the least, difficult maybe even impossible for me to be totally honest about what happened, let alone how I felt about it which was complicated. I have to say straight out that I was brought up a Catholic. Which is like even more complicated if anything. So to make a long story short we found it easy enough once we knew what we were looking for. He didn’t tell me of course. I’m only the technician and techies never hear the big picture. But he had the whole game-plan nailed to the last letter. I have to say I have massive admiration for the boss. The day of the final press-conference was a total blast for everybody, yours truly included. The media all expected a thing like an organ and there was research that looked at the brain of course using PET scans and all that other stuff but they were all wrong, he knew it all along that they were totally out.

The properties listed in Appendix B were identified by me completely, which he later claimed in the paper were his own discoveries, but I can authenticate my statements from laboratory notebooks and also private notebooks which, surprise surprise, coincide exactly with the laboratory ones. I have kept a private diary of the experiments since the boss first detailed to me exactly what it was he was wanting me to do. Which makes even more sense going forward, seeing what he is claiming. I would like to say that I was never comfortable but he assured me: a. that it was completely legal and b. that there were no ethics problems, which is important to me because I have always valued my professional qualifications – although to be honest they never exactly spelled out what was ethical and what was not, I tended to stick fairly closely to what was legal.
As far as I’m concerned, the things in the media are way-off. We never used cadavers or anything like that; we didn’t use aborted foetuses or any material derived from aborted foetuses or pre-born babies or whatever. All our subjects were alive before and after the experiments. Some of them twigged a bit what was going on I suppose, fair dues. We used adult males and females which was the best part for me to be honest. Let’s face it, no male is ever going to hate wiring up a young healthy female no matter what shape she’s in, generally speaking, and some of them of course were not the best. To be honest, the kind of people who sign up for these kind of experiments are generally druggies or something, very rarely middle class college students, know what I mean? But they didn’t have much in the way of morals I have to say anyway; they tended to not care very much about taking their clothes off and so on and getting wired up. Of course we weren’t interested in having them freaking out or anything, so we tended to give them something nice to pass the time, you know the stuff they give you in these situations, like going for an operation they don’t want you freaking out on the table when they all arrive in the green suits and masks, so they give you something nice to keep everything nice and cool you know, and this may well have been one of the reasons why they were, as the boss liked to put it, totally compliant, they couldn’t get enough of that stuff actually as you can imagine. It is untrue that we gave them amnesiac drugs which anyway I had only heard of in media reports about rapes. And if you ask them, if you can find enough of them, they’ll be able to testify that they remember it all, if they remember anything at all being mostly crackheads et cetera. With the money we paid them they could certainly get their hands on all that kind of thing. My guess is they’re totally blasted. Fused, know what I mean?
I have to say, I paid them a little extra for services rendered, the ones that rendered services, which anyway they were fairly used to doing by way of getting the stuff they used. So it was nothing new to them or nothing special anyway. It cost me a fair whack out of the old wage packet because I used to go in every evening to see that they were nicely settled down for the night, they had all the best stuff in their rooms, DVD players and a coffee-maker and they could get quite sexy DVDs, which I sometimes watched with them and then sort of popped the question straight out because it was a business arrangement and I didn’t want either of us to feel in any way embarrassed about it because we both knew where we stood. Sometimes they agreed and sometimes they did not; if they did not agree I did not press the matter further. Actually I managed it almost every night, I was making hay you know because I could see going forward that the experiment would not go on forever, but they were frequently quite horny anyway, hanging around naked in this gorgeous room perfectly heated and air conditioned and I often saw them at it themselves in an off and on kind of way; not wearing any clothes, they became sort of shameless and animal about it, they’d have the old hand down there even when you were talking to them sometimes, which was partly the drugs we were giving them.
To be honest, I kept a financial record of all those transactions which I have at home because I wanted everything to be above board. They appreciated the money too and there was no harm done. So, as far as I’m concerned, I’m prepared to be completely open about that, that’s no secret, the papers have that bang-on and it’s no reflection on my boss who didn’t know about it; we didn’t have any kind of surveillance because the experiment didn’t require it and it would have been fairly undignified for all these people to be living and sleeping in rooms with cameras following them everywhere. The funny thing is we have cameras everywhere else except in the subject rooms.
So that is how I could record the response to stimuli. And I can give you an exclusive on this; there is a proportional relationship between the strength of the energy field and the amount of pleasure, and, surprise surprise, it is not an inverse, which is totally not what all the churches have been saying which, going forward, is going to lead to a total reassessment of some of the traditional commandments.
Most people expect the soul to be a. an organ (the simple view) or b. a complete myth (also now a simple view we proved). The fact is the soul is exactly as described. The boss’s paper has it nailed and that’s the best place to get the exact details and definitions and so on, I’m more concerned here with the allegations and my own reputation. And the worst allegation, as far as I’m concerned, is far and away the one about me and the men. I would like to say I did not have sexual relations with the men. I hold my hands up about the women, no problem been there done that, but I am not gay. Those allegations are false and without foundation and the man who made them was well sorted by the media, who bought him off, no doubt about it to be honest. I have to say I was the victim of a vicious and unprovoked assault by that particular gentleman which I recorded in the laboratory log and I had to defend myself, which I was an amateur boxer in my teens and I know how to handle my fists and that is the reason that we had that fight which I hold my hands up about. That certainly happened and I think my side of the story can be believed easily enough when you remember that the subject had a medical record that included mild schizophrenia. I wouldn’t be here breaking confidentiality if he didn’t make uncalled-for allegations in the media. I would like to state I have total self-control and would never lose the rag over that kind of provocation.
The last fact that I would like to express is to bury the allegation that we stole the subjects’ souls. This allegation is a laugh. If you read the boss’s paper, you will see that the soul is not a concrete thing and the energy on which it lives is intricately linked to the biological entity, as he says himself, in other words souls are personal. They can’t be just lifted. We are not at that stage of development. I have to say one thing though and that is, we did observe a small incidence of not being able to locate souls in certain subjects after a given time, which was totally random and like crap from the procedure point of view. We were always having to re-calibrate our systems and double-check our measurements for everyone. We worked it out that the levels fluctuated on some unknown principle, I quote the boss, it appears as though the subjects could have more or less soul, which I like the way he put it. Because I did not reveal my nocturnal activities, I was unable to inform him that I knew several of the affected subjects fairly well and that three of the girls in particular were the most compliant and had been very good to me and also had the lowest levels. I am preparing a paper on this idea myself so I’ll say no more about it for now but I will go further in the relevant professional journals. To be honest, these same subjects which I refer to, came out of the whole thing well-up on their fees on account of my extra-contractual payments, I know for a fact one of them went straight and now owns a half share in a dry-cleaning business which is doing well. I take my kit there so I should know.
The boss is always talking the big picture but I’m only a techie so I keep my eye on the ball and I have to say in this instance, that it was a pleasure to be involved in proving at least one thing about religion right. I’m proud to have been involved in an experiment that established beyond doubt the existence of the human soul, it worked out well all round, apart from the few complainants, who anyway would have been complaining no matter what.
The boss has already outlined the positive benefits, such as religion being able to use our system to assess souls instead of confessions and stuff, and the possible applications going forward for alternative therapies and the cosmetics industry. But one thing he avoided, which I have to say is at the entirely experimental stage, is if it’s possible to remove or even diminish a subject’s soul then a. it could be used to punish criminals b. it could be used as a means of controlling children on the reward system and c. it should be possible going forward to buy and sell souls or possibly even total soul replacement.
I am involved with patenting a process, that is totally at the experimental stage, that can identify people who are more susceptible to diminished soul which is not covered by the boss’s patents or copyrights. A totally new system that has incredible potential for the Church, the police, the government and private enterprise. Which, being a Catholic myself, is like totally exciting for me. Thank you.

 

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William Wall is an Irish novelist, short fiction writer and poet. His work has been translated into several languages and he translates from Italian. His novel This Is The Country was longlisted for the 2005 Man Booker Prize and shortlisted for the Young Mind Prize and the Irish Book Awards. His short fiction and poetry have won many prizes including The Virginia Faulkner Award 2011. His most recent book - Ghost Estate, a volume of poems - has been translated into Italian as Le Notizie Sono (MobyDick Editore). More information from his website: williamwall.net ‘Wall, who is also a poet, writes prose so charged—at once lyrical and syncopated—that it’s as if Cavafy had decided to write about a violent Irish household.’ The New Yorker ‘Wall's touch with characterisation is light and deft: many illustrate themselves plainly with just a few lines of dialogue.’ The Guardian ‘He is such a writer - lyrical and cruel and bold and with metaphors to die for.’ Kate Atkinson Photograph by Herry Moore